Offseason Regimen

(December 16, 2008, 6:07am)

MLB Player Agent Craig Landis sits at his kitchen table, focused on his HP laptop. A 2008 World Champion Philadelphia Phillies coffee mug rests on the table, next to the laptop. A pile of computer printouts is scattered on the table, held in place by a Phillies paperweight. A red lightbulb flashes over the door leading to the basement.

Landis ignores the flashing light and continues with his morning routine. He studies BABIP and Win Value stats for MLB Pitchers on the Fangraphs site. He peruses contract terms on Cot's Contracts. He plays several games of Boggle. He reads the latest updates on MLB Trade Rumors, smiling knowingly. He types "Craig Landis" into the Baseball Reference website, and grimaces when the search obtains "zero hits."

The red light continues to flash. Faint noises are heard, emanating from the basement. Landis checks his Phillies wristwatch. He pauses Pandora's Nine Inch Nails Radio on his computer, walks towards the basement door, and opens it.

Landis: You'd better still be on that treadmill, Myers!
Brett Myers: I'm a World F'n Champion, you jackass!
Landis: You were a f'n minor leaguer in July, you fatass! That sh#t ain't happening in a contract year!

(Landis descends the staircase. Myers, drenched in sweat, continues to run on the treadmill. Myers is wearing a sweat-soaked white t-shirt, with a red cape draped over his weary shoulders. KC and The Sunshine Band blares from the stereo.)

Landis: (Ryan) Howard has lost five more pounds than you, so far.
Myers: I've lost a greater percentage of weight than him!
Landis: Good point. Ten more minutes on the treadmill, and then we start the real workout.
Myers: I'd better f'n get at least 4 (years) and 60 (million), or I'm going to slam my f'n fist...

Landis has already left the basement. He unpauses Pandora Radio. The Smashing Pumpkins song "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" begins to play. Landis smiles, and clicks on his Baseball Prospectus bookmark.