Phillies Pen Brutally Beaten, 37,321 Witness Carnage

(originally posted 8/23/07)

Even The Real Deal has a mediocre outing once in awhile. (Note: "Once in a while"= once every 1.8 outings.) But J. D. Durbin's six inning, five run (four earned) effort looked downright Cole-esque, compared to the brutality of the bullpen's performance. Jose Mesa (1:1.2 bad outing ratio) increased his ERA to 6.86, allowing five runs, and picking up only a single out. The blue glove and the intimidating facial hair were not enough to overcome an unfortunate, and total, lack of pitching ability.

Clay Condrey (1 bad outing for every .34 outings) entered the game after Mesa had loaded the bases, and allowed all three runners to score. (Mesa and his ERA thank Condrey for his efforts.) With the score 10-1 in the 7th, Manuel decided to let Condrey to finish the game. Condrey managed to allow nine hits and five runs (not including the three he allowed on Mesa's behalf) in his 2.2 innings. The Phillies fell 15-3, with their only (visible to the naked eye) offensive sign of life being a two-run Chris Coste homer, which cut the 10-1 deficit to 10-3.

But those who pay attention to that "other, lesser league" may have noticed that the Baltimore Orioles allowed THIRTY runs on the same night that the Phillies permitted a measly fifteen. It was very puzzling, especially considering that this was the first game of a doubleheader, that the Orioles did not use a position player on the mound for a couple of innings. (Like when Baltimore fell behind by, oh, twenty runs.) More importantly, however, Wednesday night's pitching disasters gave me an idea for the Phillies. Instead of moving Patrick Brian Burrell to the bench for defensive purposes, why not move him to the MOUND? Surely, he can do at least well as Messrs. Condrey and Mesa. Plus, the Phillies can keep Burrell's bat in the lineup, and not have to pinch-hit Abraham Orlando Nunez in the pitcher's spot. Burrell's defensive shortcomings ("defensive shortcomings"= "slightly less mobility than a one-legged rhinoceros") won't be a factor as a pitcher, either. It's the kind of move that is perfect for a team in the DH-less league with an almost pitcher-less bullpen. (Pat G., are you reading this?)

In Thursday afternoon's rubber game against Los Angeles, the Phillies will have Fabio Castro make his first major league start. Why the Phillies chose Castro to get the start over J. A. Happ, who has been a much more effective AAA starter (and sometimes strikes people out, to boot!) lately, is still unclear at press time. I'm hopefully optimistic that today's game will be a little bit more competitive that last night's debacle. By the time the top of the seventh had ended, the Phillies had moved into the three spot on the PFiRSN viewing queue, falling into the abyss on the notebook computer. (The Red Sox-Devil Rays played on the HDTV, and the Tigers-Indians game was seen on the bulky desktop.) Very disappointing for a once proud organization. The Phillies did manage to stay ahead of some show featuring a blond, model-ly type woman serving as a news anchor, on the viewing queue. Who comes up with this shit anyways? And how can I send them my ideas? (Mesa, I've got a new job for you...)